The End of the World! Part 1

   Everybody get your emergency supplies! Get your last minute flu shots!  Hide your bones! The world is going to end!
It all started last week, when I was fast asleep, dreaming about killing giant squirrels. It was the darkest part of the night, when all of a sudden it happened. The ground started to move! I woke up immediately and sprung into action. First I went over to my human parents and jumped frantically upon their bed. Of course they did not like that and started throwing random stuffed animals at me. So I planned to charge upstairs to the little girls' bedroom and to chew up their blankets. While I was climbing up the stairs, the movement stopped. I am telling you, this was the strangest night of my life. All of a sudden there was no point to do anything else and I just went back to sleep.
   The next morning at about 18 naps after dawn (9:00 AM), the exact same thing happened again. The ground started to move! Since I had experienced this before, I wasn't as scared. It only lasted for a short time and nothing bad really happened.

   All of sudden I saw a light! The movement of the earth had turned Jeremiah's laptop on. On the screen I saw a picture that was branded into my brain forever. It was a picture of a A SABER-TOOTHED SQUIRREL!!!

via

   In the old book of Labrador mythology, it is foretold, that the canine who is dreaming about killing squirrels, wakes up to rumbling ground, and sees a picture of a Saber-toothed squirrel, is to witness monsters that look like squirrels in the near future. Because I was not sure, that this was the phenomenon that they talk about, I went over to my friend Budd's house. He is also a Labrador and might have known something that I did not. He told me in confidence that he is not a full-bred Labrador. That is why he has not heard that much about the ancient mythology. Furthermore he had been night fishing with his owner and had not really felt the trembling. What is a Labrador to do in a situation like this? Read what happens next month!

The Dungeon of Doom

   Last week the family went down to Texas. They decided that I could stay with my friend Bubba again! The next morning I had to get up very early. They dropped me off at Bubba's house with some food for me. After giving them a good bye slobber, I sent them off on their trip. Bubba and I went outside to play with the frogs in Bubba's frog pond.
   A couple of dead frogs later, Bubba's owner came outside and started to work in his shed. Since it was very hot, I decided to go inside the workshop where it was cooler. Inside I discovered a little vent from which cool air emerged and I decided to take a little snooze there. It felt so good in the shed, that I eventually fell asleep.
   When I woke up, the shed was totally dark. I went over to the door and tried to nudge it open, but it did not budge. Panic! After a minute I realized the grim situation I was in. Patches had locked me up in the shed!  
   Obviously I had to start my thinking process about ways to get out. How about making a key with the tools here! But that did not work, because I could not even pick up the tools.
   Then I had another idea. I could crawl through the 4 paws (3 inches) air vent. I could fit my four paws in there easily, just not the rest of my body. The third option was to break through a window and get out. The only problem was, that there weren't any windows in the shed. I was really ready to lie down and cry.
  Then I heard an ominous sound from the door. I got into fighting position, ready to attack Patches. The door opened. It was not Patches, but Bubba's owner Bob! He brought me back inside the house where Bubba was. I was saved from the dungeon of doom! We ate some food and went to bed. To this day I can not figure out how Patches walked all the way from our home to Bubba's house to lock me in or maybe it was some other force...

The Hunter and the Mouse

   I now know who the most savage varmint is -- Patches! Yesterday I was chewing on my bone and sun bathing when out in the distance I saw Patches chasing a tiny mouse! Now, of course I wasn't jealous and I would never deal with a mouse anyway, but this little mouse looked so helpless and feeble. I watched with horror as the meager mouselet got trapped in a corner and put Patches in a position to strike. That's when I knew I had to perform an act of gallantry and save the rodent.
  I dashed up from where I was lying and bolted to Patches. She glanced at me, then started to run away. Diligently, I started sniffing around for the mouse. While I was sniffing I heard a small squeak. I turned around, and what did I see? Patches tormenting the mouse again! Slowly I crawled closer to them. Right at the perfect moment I pounced towards her. Patches dropped the mouse and darted away. The mouse just stood there for a minute before scurrying away. Since the mouse was able to run off I guess that he survived. I hope!

The Quintessential Squirrel

   A couple months ago I stated that squirrels are the most annoying animals on earth. I have moved on since then - I now feel the need to destroy them! The only problem is that I can not catch them. On top of it all Patches, our cat, is quite impressive at catching rabbits, mice, and birds. But I have never caught a single animal! Ever! This is a very common situation: right before I can grasp the awful creature, it rushes onto a tree and gets away, again.
   One of my greatest wishes is that a large, lumpy, blubbery, lethargic squirrel would make his home in our back yard.  Then I could easily kidnap it, blackmail the squirrel community and demand a ransom. For me to release their brother I would make them leave this neighborhood forever!
There you have it.

Bones, Bones, wherefore art thou?

   I am back! Jeremiah, my writer, did not want to post over the summer because it felt too much like "doing school." Now that Jeremiah is back in school my human mom made him post for me.

   Now to the story. Last week, when I woke up there was a gigantic, evil chopping machine in the front yard. It was ripping out a stump. But this stump was not any old stump - it was my bone hiding place! I tried to inform my humans about the machine's doings, but they did not understand me. I started barking because I wanted to go outside, but they did not let me out. They probably thought I was planning to attack the workers.

   Later when the evil machine had left I had made such a ruckus inside that my humans finally let me go outside to investigate. When I got to the hole where the stump used to be, all my bones were gone! I started frantically running around like a mad dog looking for my bones and accidentally knocked over the trash can. Turning around I spotted them: sitting next to a delicious half-eaten hamburger were all my once lost but now found bones!    

New Mexico.

   I am finally back! Sorry I have not posted in such a long time.

When my writer Jeremiah got back from camp four weeks ago, we all had to pack for a trip to New Mexico. I was going to stay at Camp Bubba. However, when my owners dropped me off, Bubba's owner said I could not stay with them because Bubba got a contagious ear mite disease.  I got to go with my family on the trip instead. There was only one problem.  Because the car was so full of supplies, they couldn't find a place for me to sit. After a bit of shifting things around, I settled between two seats for the ten hour drive.

A picture of the New Mexico plains my human sister, Carlotta, took

   Do not tell anybody, but at the first campground we stayed at I got very scared. Why? Because my parents were talking about big animals like bears and mountain lions, which inhabited the area. The thought of those creatures lurking in the shadows waiting to devour me frighted me half to death. The rest of the family slept in the tent but not me!
 Here are four reasons why it was better for me to "keep watch" in the car.  First, if I slept in the car, I would rest much better. Second, if a bear came, then I could defend the family much better. Third, since I was in the car, a bear would not have been able to smell me. Fourth, if I saw a bear, I would have been higher up than it.

 the view from the first campground my human sister, Carlotta, took

 For the next two weeks we went from campground to campground. Suddenly, though, while we were driving along, a big, terrifying cloud of smoke appeared on the horizon.  That was even scarier than the bears! 

The terrifying smoke cloud!

Now we are back in are cozy house without any bears or wildfires and I am happy.

The Tomato Strikes Again

   Yesterday at about 16 naps before dusk (12 PM) the whole family was talking about a big storm that could cause a "tomato" (tornado). I was really scared because a giant tomato could cause the roof to fall onto my head. The family was bringing some stuff down to our basement and I guess they were planning to get away from a collapsing roof as far as possible.

   About six hours later I heard a loud siren noise that tells everybody to get into a tomato shelter. The whole family except me went down to the basement. That dark hole underground is the only place in the whole house I just cannot bring myself to go to. It has something to do with a traumatic puppy experience. Anyway, some neighbors came over to seek shelter at our house. As if that wasn't enough, another family arrived with their two dogs and their EVIL cat. Luckily the owners had sedated the dogs and the cat, but the sedation wore off way too fast. Everybody stayed down in the basement for about two hours before they finally came upstairs. Funny enough they didn't seem to be scared down there and I even heard laughter.
It rained hard, but luckily no tomato ever hit us or any of our neighbors and I am pretty thankful for that. Now I really need to schedule an appointment with a dog psychiatrist to overcome my basement phobia. I do not want to miss another tomato party.

Camp Bubba

   Last weekend my family went to a Boy Scout family camp. The camp people are not extremely welcoming - dogs were not allowed in the camp! Since my family would be gone for the weekend, I had to stay with my good dog friend Bubba. He is a four year old Shar Pei with a lot of wrinkles. Bubba comes over to my house alot and we play hard.
Anyway, my family dropped me off at Bubba's house for the weekend. His house is so cool. He has his own dog door that let's him go in and out as he likes. In the backyard is a pond with little things swimming in the water. I think they are called tadpoles.

Bubba the Shar Pei

   Bubba and I did a bunch of other stuff but I am guessing we did not do good things since Bubba made me swear I would not tell anybody what happened at Camp Bubba.

The Spikes of Death

   Today my family went to a place where a bunch of water is stored in a valley because of a dam. This dam is the one I talked about in an earlier post that caused all the water to leave. Anyway, there was a beach at the lake and Mom brought a bunch of food. Since some big fish had decided to die right on the beach, we had to move further away to the grass. We walked over to the grassy part and Mom took out her food basket, Jeremiah went to the car and brought out my chain and tied me to it. My family unpacked some bread, cheese, butter, and grapes. I was waiting like a good dog for my food but they only gave me some water and leftover bread... that got me annoyed.
   I decided to take a little afternoon nap when...POKE! I jumped up as if my life depended on it and started howling. Lilly ran over to me barefoot and then SHE started screaming. Mom picked her up. She was screaming because a tiny spike ball was in her foot. Mom put her down and came over to me. She lifted up my paw and sure enough there was also a spike ball in my paw. Mom gently pulled it out and started eating again.

   Since it takes a while to get home I decided to catch up on some sleep when - POKE! One of  the evil spike balls was in my fur! Jeremiah pulled it out then I could sleep in peace. Let me tell you some thing: I am never going back to that lake. 

'Twas the Night Before Easter

   I was just settling down for a Easter snooze when I thought the world was going to end. Little balls of white, icy stuff came falling out of the sky and making a ruckus on the roof. At first I thought they were big raindrops, but when I looked outside the balls were all over the place. Fearfully I dashed under the table for protection. Thankfully it stopped after ten minutes.

The size of the ice balls. Unfortunately it was kind of dark.

   After the tormenting balls went away I went back to bed for a Easter snooze. After a while I heard feline hissing and meowing in our sun room. I walked over to the glass door and could not believe my tired eyes.  A foreign cat!  Our cat Patches was chasing the other cat out of the sun room. After I was sure the cat was gone I went back to bed.


   After a short Easter snooze I was barbarously wakened up by chirping in the sun room again. I sluggishly sauntered over to the glass door. now i know why the strange cat was in the sun room. A little cardinal with a broken wing was in there. I was just to tired to care.


Happy Belated Easter


P.S. The rabbit I talked about two weeks ago went home - Thankfully

The New Kid on the Block

   Today has been one of the most interesting days of my life. This morning at about 10 naps before dawn (5 o'clock) I awoke to something or someone squeaking down on the porch. Assuming the sound was made by the weird cat, I went back to sleeping.
   Then at about 22 naps (9 o'clock) before dusk, I went out to the porch and there was a teeny, tiny, wounded rabbit. To protect my family against home invasions, I immediately started to bark forcefully at the baby rabbit. That probably was not the smartest thing to do. Practically the whole family came out and for some reason they were really mad. And then they told me that the rabbit was staying here for a week. Great. Just great. Now I have to keep a cat and a rabbit in check. At least I have my powerful bark.

Walk by the River

   Today my family took a walk along the river. Since our house is close to the river, we go there frequently. After a short ride in the driving machine we arrived at the parking lot. My dad opened the door and I dashed out  frantically to see the water. Labradors are supposed to love water, so I pretended to be very excited even though I am scared of it. But when I got to the shore all I could see was a very small puddle!  At that time, Dad caught up with me and put on my leash.

   While we walked, I wrecked my brain to find out what happened to the water. My intelligence center came up with the idea that some monster swallowed the water or outer space dogs stole it. But to my astonishment MeMe was wondering about the water thing too and asked dad about it. He said that someone had closed the dam upstream and all the water that used to be here had been drained. Just between you and me - I was kind of relieved. This way there was no need for acting out a love of water that I plainly don't have.

The Dog Scouts

   These past few days Jeremiah has been talking about joining a organization just for boys. At first I thought he said "Joy Scouts." Thinking it was a group of people that search for joy, I reported the news to Budd the dog across the street. He said I misheard and Jeremiah is becoming a Boy Scout, not a "Joy Scout" and they do not look for joy. I asked him how he knew all this. He said that in his old family one of the sons was also a Boy Scout. According to Budd, the Boy Scouts go camping, hiking, rock climbing, and stuff like that. But then he told me they also go fishing, which means they get to eat lots of meat! I sure wished there were Dog Scouts so us dogs could do fun stuff like having eating contests, fishing, doing digging competitions, and playing tug-of-war. Maybe one day there will be the D.S.A. (Dog Scouts of America). Until then I will just listen to Jeremiah's stories of being a Scout.

The Thin Metal Stick

   Yesterday Patches the cat and I went to get a thin metal stick (shot) stuck into our leg. When we drove in the driving machine, Patches was whining because the machine was loud and bumpy. The whining was so annoying that I decided to walk over to her and try to get her to stop. That was a bad idea. She started hissing at me which caused my human dad (who was driving) to turn around. He nudged me away and since he had to look at me, swerved to the side. We all tumbled over and Patches was not happy about that. Dad pulled over and tied me to a seat, and put Patches in the back.
   We got to the Socitey for the Prevention of Cruelity to Animals - a very sad place. There were dogs outside with signs around there neck, which said "Adoptable." Come to think of it, I was in the same situation a year and a half ago. So glad that is over! Dad took us inside and a little while later a lady brought me to a back room. She got a tube with a sharp end on it. Suddenly I felt a needle penatrate my skin! I tried to get away but she was holding me. Thankfully she let me go back to Dad very soon. Then it was Patches turn to go to the bad Back Room. After Patches was done, we went home. Hopefully we will not have to go back there for a very long time. After all they put thin metal sticks in your leg.

The Horse Without a Body

   One day I found a stuffed horse on MeMe's bed. It was a nice little brown and white horse with bulging eyes. Since I was all alone in the house I decided it would be okay if I just snuggled with the horse for a while. Not knowing it cost two-hundred bones (thirty dollars) I nibbled on the animal, enjoying the taste. Later when my family arrived, I quickly hid the toy under the kitchen sink. Unbeknown to me the sink was leaking. Foolishly I forgot about the horse.

   A couple weeks later I detected a rotten smell in the kitchen. Suspecting the smell was old food, I searched for it. Unfortunately, the only food I discovered was hard bread, cheese on a set mouse trap, and the occasional crumb. Then I came to the sink. When I nudged the curtain open, there, to my astonishment, was the stuffed horse. It was rotten and moldy - perfect for me! 
Even though the humans were there, the temptation was so great that I started chewing viciously on the horse. Right then MeMe walked in and, seeing that I held  the horse in my grip, began chasing me like a dog chases after a squirrel. I dashed out of the kitchen and ran underneath the kitchen table before my horse was taken away. In my haste, the horse got stuck on a corner of the table. 
MeMe came nearer and nearer, and in desperation, I pulled on the head with all my might. Suddenly I heard a ripping noise. Turning around, I saw that the body of the horse was gone! I tried to retrieve the body -- after all, I'm a Labrador Retriever --  but sadly Me-Me caught it.

The horse head

After that my family was disappointed in me for a long time, especially MeMe. The good news is that I got to keep the head and body after all. This has been by far my favorite toy. My favorite part was eating the crunchy eyes! The wonderful thing about this experience that now there are two toys the body and the head!   

Squirrels-The Menace of the World

Here is my report about squirrels. Enjoy!

Squirrels-The Menace of the World

   Squirrels are by far the most annoying animals on earth. My exceptional fantastic dog senses can locate evil squirrels that are aggravating my neighbors.

   For starters there are eight different species of squirrels that live just in trees. The most common species is the gray squirrel with its bushy tail. Most humans think that squirrels always live in trees, but numerous squirrel species dwell on the ground. I guess that is why they call them ground squirrels. You might have heard of chipmunks, prairie dogs, meerkats, marmots, and other kinds of rodents. Probably the most amazing squirrel is the flying squirrel, even though I have never seen one personally. Funny enough they are called “flying squirrels”, but they do not fly! They glide. This remarkable creature can coast from tree to tree thanks to its unique flaps of skin. A flying squirrel can stay up in the air for more than two hundred-forty tails (roughly one hundred-sixty feet).  I could write volumes and volumes of books about these annoying animals, but my brain would explode if I would say one more word about squirrel species.

   Even though I loathe squirrels, one thing I really do like about them, is the way they can get food for themselves. Squirrels are sly thieves and steal our nuts and berries thanks to their handy claws. They hide their loot in coves and hallow trees. Then they jump on the next tree or power line and leave me eating dust. Their behavior is impossible!

   It is my mission to wipe all squirrels off the face of this planet. Unfortunately I can not claim victory, yet. I will trap them, shoot them, hit them, besiege their hiding places, starve them, smoke them out, run them over, electrocute them, hang them, freeze them, drown them, make them walk the plank, and chew them up. Now I only have to convince my humans to give me free reign.

I am Back!

I am terribly sorry for not having posted in such a long time. Obviously I have been very busy ripping up the back yard while searching for those wicked moles.
  The last time I posted it was snowing. That week we got an amazing 15 paws (22 inches) of snow in total. Surprisingly the white stuff stayed for more than seven dark periods (seven nights). During the following week the temperature rose to 70 degrees, which meant I was already panting again. The humans have not been doing anything exciting lately. Now I am off to rip up more of the back yard.

Snow!

Right now it is snowing! I LOVE snow. It is very fluffy and light as a feather. Snow is actually very weird. For one thing it falls out of the sky. Secondly when you step on the snow you sink in. Thirdly when you eat it, the snow becomes cold water. In some spots the snow is piled up higher then my belly, which is 7 paws (10 inches) high. For Oklahoma, the state I live in, 7 paws of snow is quite out of the ordinary. A neighbor dog reported that the town was completely full with humans stocking up on food. He also commented that the place, where humans leave their gigantic driving machines, was jam packed. 
   For one reason I am very glad that the snow descended upon us. The wicked machine my family uses doesn't like to penetrate the snow. That is good because the family can stay with me instead of having to leave. Supposedly the snow won't start melting till Saturday. I hope the snow stays longer than Saturday. Now I am off to go play in the snow.

Moles

In our backyard there are moles. These pesky animals dig ugly bulging tunnels under the grass. Of course it is my duty to track down the atrocious moles. So far, I have not captured any. By the time I am done removing enough grass and dirt to get to them they are already gone. I have dug about a dozen foot deep holes by now.
For some reason, my family always gets mad each time I chase a mole. If I did not fend off the moles these vicious animals might invade our house and take us prisoners. In that case I would bark and growl till they run away. Now I have told you about what I have to go through protecting my family and all they do is get annoyed. What a thankless world.

Things That Frighten Me

I am afraid of lots of things. Since I am scared of so many things I will give you a list.

Bicycles: Jeremiah and my dad used to take me for rides. But then two bikes fell a couple of feet away from me and made a loud noise. Now I hate those things.

The Dirt Devil: This thing is very loud, the name is bad, and it steals all my crumbs.

The Zebra: When Lilly rides the Zebra it freaks me out. Its evil face strikes terror across my face.

Doors: One time Jeremiah was letting me out, when the screen door closed on my poor tail and hurt it. So now I am afraid of doors.


So, there you have it. These are all the things that I am afraid of (at least the things that I can remember).

This Week

This week has not been extordinarily favorable because everybody was lounging in their bed. People were on the couch and lying in bed. Some of the family members where putting sticks with numbers in their mouth. I could not post on the blog since Jeremiah also would not help me. Nobody took me for a walk or played with me so I decided they needed me to cheer them up. Now everyone is fine except for Carlotta. 


Today, the family went to a pro-life march in the cold to march for something. I guess they went to Applebee's afterwards because they brought me home a huge sandwich with lots of meat and cheese. So that made my day. Now I am off to lick some dinner plates.

The Tale of Two Cats

Have I ever told you that I love cats? But our despicable cat Patches does not like me. All I want to do is play with her but she just smacks me right on the nose and darts elsewhere. Ever since my owners brought me home, Patches has loathed me. About once a day I attempt to play with her but she always runs away. 


Well, today I took a walk with Jeremiah and my mom. On our way home, suddenly a striped gray cat ran across the street. So I started to try to chase the cat but Jeremiah stopped me. Then a minute later the cat came up to me and started rubbing against my leg! I sniffed the cat's rump and if my senses are correct his name was Mr. B. He lives .3 miles down the street from my house. Normally us dogs keep friendships inside our species, but there are exceptions like with me.
I am so glad that I met a cat that also likes me.

The Ballet Slipper

Today I had very bad day. This morning I found one of Me-Me's ballet slippers so I decided to chew it up not knowing that those were her performance slippers. I had such a wonderful time chewing them up. Later that day Me-Me had to go her dance class but she could not find one of the slippers since I took it. I then dashed outside with the leftovers of the slipper knowing I would get in huge trouble if Me-Me found it. I tried to bury it but my mom saw me. After ballet class Me-Me told me she was very late to ballet because they had to make a 30 minute detour to get another pair of slippers. When they came back I got the worst punishment: being grounded from chewing my bone for a whole week.

Welcome!

Hello! Welcome to my new blog! I am so excited. Here I will tell you about my life as a dog. You might be wondering how I can write this. Since I do not have thumbs, I tell my human brother Jeremiah what to write for me. Well, hope you like my new blog!

See you later!