A Sad but True Tale

   Yesterday I decided to visit my good friend Budd across the street. But when I got there he was nowhere to be found! I sniffed the back yard for his scent but could still not find anything. I went up to his people's backdoor and started to bark. After a few minutes the owner opened the door and that's when she told me the bad news. She said that earlier that day Budd was on his way to meet me. Crossing the street all of a sudden he was hit by a huge driving machine. Luckily nothing really bad happened to him except a broken leg. She said that Budd was at the vet, but he would be back soon. Later that day I visited Budd who was already much better.
   The moral of the story is this: Never run across the street to visit your dog friend without checking left and right for big machines.
  

Snowmageddon!

Last week early in the morning white, fluffy stuff started to fall from the sky. After a couple of sleeps (about 90 minutes) enough white fluff had fallen to cover my legs. This caused a real problem for Patches, since she is small and now the white fluff had probably almost completely covered her. The whole family was sitting around the warm fireplace, when Jeremiah, who takes care of the evil one (aka Patches), discovered that she was missing. He checked around the house, but could not find her. Suddenly Jeremiah realized that Patches was still outside in the snow. He bundled up to go outside into the -10° degree weather. Scouring the whole front yard and backyard for Patches, he did not find her. I thought maybe what he needed was some canine nose sensors. As soon as I trotted I realized that Jeremiah could find Patch by himself and that I was cold. Just as I was going inside, Jeremiah found Patches. I darted over to where he was trying to reach a cold cat, which was caught between two narrow fences. He could not reach Patches, because his arm was a little too short. At first I was sort of glad. Now that she was stuck, there was now way she could swat me with her sharp claws again. But then I realized that a dog would do the right thing. I gathered enough courage to go right between the fences and pick up Patches by the scruff of her neck. Of course she tried to swat me, but I tried to ignore her. I had done the right thing: she had escaped certain death in the snow and I had brought her into the house where she was warm and safe. I just hope she will remember my generosity!

2012 is NOT Going to be Pretty

   Merry Christmas everybody! Wait, I just realized I am a month off. It must have been some evil squirrels doing tests on my brain. Anywho, I came to tell you all that yesterday I was dictating my post to Jeremiah minding my own busness. Then Patches showed up and stepped on the computer's power button and shut the whole device off. Totally off. When the device finally started up, I found out that all my work was gone. All lost! I wasted ten minutes of my life thanks to a stupid cat! But what scares me even more is this: if infidel creatures (cats and squirrels) are already able to shut off power, imagine what could happen in a couple of years! Squirrels might get laser vision and shoot at our tails so we would lose balance. 

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Even worse, cats might get on computers and hack the military's database and launch nuclear weapons and destroy all dogkind. 

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   It's already getting serious. The squirrels are training at top secret locations. Pray for us.

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The End of the World! Part 1

   Everybody get your emergency supplies! Get your last minute flu shots!  Hide your bones! The world is going to end!
It all started last week, when I was fast asleep, dreaming about killing giant squirrels. It was the darkest part of the night, when all of a sudden it happened. The ground started to move! I woke up immediately and sprung into action. First I went over to my human parents and jumped frantically upon their bed. Of course they did not like that and started throwing random stuffed animals at me. So I planned to charge upstairs to the little girls' bedroom and to chew up their blankets. While I was climbing up the stairs, the movement stopped. I am telling you, this was the strangest night of my life. All of a sudden there was no point to do anything else and I just went back to sleep.
   The next morning at about 18 naps after dawn (9:00 AM), the exact same thing happened again. The ground started to move! Since I had experienced this before, I wasn't as scared. It only lasted for a short time and nothing bad really happened.

   All of sudden I saw a light! The movement of the earth had turned Jeremiah's laptop on. On the screen I saw a picture that was branded into my brain forever. It was a picture of a A SABER-TOOTHED SQUIRREL!!!

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   In the old book of Labrador mythology, it is foretold, that the canine who is dreaming about killing squirrels, wakes up to rumbling ground, and sees a picture of a Saber-toothed squirrel, is to witness monsters that look like squirrels in the near future. Because I was not sure, that this was the phenomenon that they talk about, I went over to my friend Budd's house. He is also a Labrador and might have known something that I did not. He told me in confidence that he is not a full-bred Labrador. That is why he has not heard that much about the ancient mythology. Furthermore he had been night fishing with his owner and had not really felt the trembling. What is a Labrador to do in a situation like this? Read what happens next month!

The Dungeon of Doom

   Last week the family went down to Texas. They decided that I could stay with my friend Bubba again! The next morning I had to get up very early. They dropped me off at Bubba's house with some food for me. After giving them a good bye slobber, I sent them off on their trip. Bubba and I went outside to play with the frogs in Bubba's frog pond.
   A couple of dead frogs later, Bubba's owner came outside and started to work in his shed. Since it was very hot, I decided to go inside the workshop where it was cooler. Inside I discovered a little vent from which cool air emerged and I decided to take a little snooze there. It felt so good in the shed, that I eventually fell asleep.
   When I woke up, the shed was totally dark. I went over to the door and tried to nudge it open, but it did not budge. Panic! After a minute I realized the grim situation I was in. Patches had locked me up in the shed!  
   Obviously I had to start my thinking process about ways to get out. How about making a key with the tools here! But that did not work, because I could not even pick up the tools.
   Then I had another idea. I could crawl through the 4 paws (3 inches) air vent. I could fit my four paws in there easily, just not the rest of my body. The third option was to break through a window and get out. The only problem was, that there weren't any windows in the shed. I was really ready to lie down and cry.
  Then I heard an ominous sound from the door. I got into fighting position, ready to attack Patches. The door opened. It was not Patches, but Bubba's owner Bob! He brought me back inside the house where Bubba was. I was saved from the dungeon of doom! We ate some food and went to bed. To this day I can not figure out how Patches walked all the way from our home to Bubba's house to lock me in or maybe it was some other force...

The Hunter and the Mouse

   I now know who the most savage varmint is -- Patches! Yesterday I was chewing on my bone and sun bathing when out in the distance I saw Patches chasing a tiny mouse! Now, of course I wasn't jealous and I would never deal with a mouse anyway, but this little mouse looked so helpless and feeble. I watched with horror as the meager mouselet got trapped in a corner and put Patches in a position to strike. That's when I knew I had to perform an act of gallantry and save the rodent.
  I dashed up from where I was lying and bolted to Patches. She glanced at me, then started to run away. Diligently, I started sniffing around for the mouse. While I was sniffing I heard a small squeak. I turned around, and what did I see? Patches tormenting the mouse again! Slowly I crawled closer to them. Right at the perfect moment I pounced towards her. Patches dropped the mouse and darted away. The mouse just stood there for a minute before scurrying away. Since the mouse was able to run off I guess that he survived. I hope!

The Quintessential Squirrel

   A couple months ago I stated that squirrels are the most annoying animals on earth. I have moved on since then - I now feel the need to destroy them! The only problem is that I can not catch them. On top of it all Patches, our cat, is quite impressive at catching rabbits, mice, and birds. But I have never caught a single animal! Ever! This is a very common situation: right before I can grasp the awful creature, it rushes onto a tree and gets away, again.
   One of my greatest wishes is that a large, lumpy, blubbery, lethargic squirrel would make his home in our back yard.  Then I could easily kidnap it, blackmail the squirrel community and demand a ransom. For me to release their brother I would make them leave this neighborhood forever!
There you have it.